La Vergogna
by xXxdanknoscoperxXx
Summary: It's strange how the worst days can start out as some of the most mundane. After a seemingly normal day results in an extremely traumatic experience, Lovino isn't sure he'll ever be able to bounce back.
1. Chapter 1

It had started off as a perfectly ordinary day.

Lovino could remember it now: waking up to his brother's cheerful voice ("Good morning, brother! Rise and shine! Rise and shine!), opening his eyes carefully as sunlight flooded his vision, and being met by Feliciano's bright, smiling face. It was the same start to the day he's had since he-doesn't-even-remember-when.

He'd grumbled angrily, turning over onto his side, making sure that his back faced the open window, giving his eyes some much-needed relief from the bright light.

"Come on, brother!" Feli insisted, prodding his arm firmly. "You can't sleep in all day."

Lovino grumbled once more in response, barely forming the words, "I can and I will."

He went limp as he felt Feliciano grab hold of his hands and pull him up into a sitting position, continuing

his discontented grumbling all the while ("Can't I just sleep another five minutes? Do you really have to be so annoying, brother…").

Feliciano's voice took on a pleading tone as he struggled to hold his brother up. "Lovino, you promised you'd help me today. Don't you remember Antonio is coming over?"

He would have fallen back onto the bed if Feliciano hadn't retained a firm grip on his wrists. Instead he simply settled for mumbling a tired, "Who cares?" as he let his head loll forward, limp as the rest of him.

It wasn't every day Antonio would come to visit, and, with him being a faithful friend, those visits would always be treated as an important event. Lovino, however, despite being raised by the man, could not say that his presence was entirely welcome. He wasn't looking forward to the cheek-pinching and the over-use of diminutives, nor Antonio's constant and overbearing concern over his well-being despite the fact that Lovino was a grown man now and could very well take care of himself.

"Lovino," Feliciano chided. "Please just get up… You're really heavy…"

"Fine," Lovino sighed, lifting his head and opening his eyes slowly as he began to sit up on his own. As soon as Feliciano had let go, Lovi let out a wide yawn and stretched his arms and back. "What time is it anyway?"

"It's nearly noon,"

"I slept for that long?"

Feliciano nodded. "It's alright. I would have slept even longer than you if I hadn't remembered."

Lovino let out another yawn as he set his feet on the floor and began to stand up.

"Uhm, Lovi," said Feliciano as he began to leave the room.

"What?" Lovino had already made his way to the dresser and was picking out something he could change into for the day.

"I'm going to make the food after I'm done cleaning, so I was hoping you could go to the market and get some things for me."

Lovino shrugged into his shirt as he mumbled, "Alright."

"OK!" Feli called out cheerfully as he left the room, leaving his brother to finish getting dressed.

Standing there by himself, Lovino was able to zone out to the faint pattering of footsteps. A sense of anxiety, which he had been too tired to feel prior, suddenly swept over him at the thought of today's guest. He almost considered running off to one of the local cafes and spending the day there, but realized it would only make Feli look bad, and make for an extremely awkward evening. As much as he hated being near Antonio, he hated the thought of disappointing his brother more.

Lovino had just finished buttoning his pants up when Feliciano re-entered the room with a sheet of paper. Without even looking up at his brother, Feliciano began to recite the ingredients listed so quickly the words seemed to meld together. Lovino was barely listening, knowing that he would be able to read what was needed as soon as he was handed the paper, but had caught several words in his half-paying-attention state, including "tomatoes", "tomatoes", "more tomatoes", and "I need a lot of tomatoes, Lovi".

He ended with a shy smile and, "He should be here around five or so, so please be back here before long" before handing over the shopping list.

Lovino nodded and took it wordlessly.

He exited the small but cozy house as Feliciano returned to his cleaning and gentle humming. The sun shone brilliantly in the sky, warming Lovino's skin pleasantly. He could hear the soft warbling of birds in the distance, and thought he should really make an effort to wake up earlier and see the sun rising on such a nice day, of feeling the earth gradually warm and the city with all the things in it slowly waking up to a fresh start.

Then, shutting the door behind him, he made his way down the street toward the local marketplace, scanning over each item on the list and marveling at the fact that his brother could have such awful handwriting.

It had all started off so well before it went straight downhill.


	2. Chapter 2

The market was still bustling with people by the time Lovino made his way there. During his twenty minute walk he was able to clear his head some and calm some of his anxiety over Antonio's visit. So what if the man was coming over? It wasn't like he wouldn't leave after the day was done, and all Lovino would have to do would be to endure his irritating mannerisms and enjoy Feliciano's delicious cooking. It wasn't all bad after all.

By the time he'd made it there, Lovino had been able to decipher most of his brother's handwriting (even after all those years of knowing him, it had never gotten any easier), and found that Feliciano had indeed wanted many tomatoes, along with nearly absurd amounts of other foods. He did not question it, however, and instead gathered up all that was requested of him, though it took him the better part of an hour to do so.

When taking his mind off things and instead focusing on fulfilling his brother's requests, Lovino was able to settle any remaining anxiety that rested at the pit of his stomach, and, with multiple bags filled with produce in hand, he was able to begin his walk home, satisfied that he had obtained everything asked.

It was quite warm that afternoon, the sun slightly less pleasant on his skin than before on account of the added weight he carried. It did not bother him much at first but he quickly picked up the pace as he wished to be home sooner rather than later, so he would be able to free himself of the bags' burden. He let out a sigh as he realized just how much farther he had to go: the house was still quite a ways off.

"Damn Feli!" he grumbled as he readjusted the bags in one hand, "Is he trying to feed three people or an army?" Though he complained, Lovino wasn't used to anything different: his brother had always either over or under-prepared for any occasion. It seemed visits from Antonio were a cause for the former rather than the latter.

Through all his grumbling and groaning, Lovino hardly noticed the footsteps approaching from behind him as he approached the entrance to a nearby alleyway, completely oblivious of what was about to transpire.

It happened as he readjusted one of the bags in his hand a third time, fearful that the bottom would rip open at any moment though he'd been sure to double bag it just in case. The footsteps came closer and closer, and it seemed to him that whoever was walking would soon catch up to and pass him, though he paid them no mind.

He suddenly felt a knife against his back, sharp and ready to slice through his clothes and skin at any moment, as a hand reached up and gripped his arm tightly. Lovino felt his heart stop and his hands begin to tremble. What was happening? Was he being mugged? What was he supposed to do?

"Don't make a sound," said the stranger in a low, gravelly voice, and Lovino dared not test him. He considered just telling the man where he kept his wallet, but a lump in his throat prevented the words from coming out.

He nearly jumped as the man behind him poked at him with the knife, urging him forward. The bags he had held so tightly now fell to the ground, their contents spilling out and scattering across the narrow sidewalk and street, and Lovino cursed himself for not having better control over his nerves.

The man cursed and Lovino could hear a brief squishing sound. Crap! He'd paid good money for those tomatoes for them to just be crushed like that.

"Dumbass. Do you want to die?" Lovino swallowed as he felt the knife poke into his back with renewed force. It scared him to think of how easily the man could kill him, how he could leave him here to bleed out onto the street and no one would know about it until it was hours too late.

"No," he finally managed to choke out.

"Then move."

Lovino allowed himself to be led into the alleyway nearby, hating himself for not fighting back. What could he do? If he did try to fight the man off, it would be far more likely that he would end up dead. No, the best he could hope for would be that the man just take his wallet, maybe rough him up a little bit, and run.

Even when he was led around the corner and toward two more men, he only assumed that they would just beat him even worse, and bit his lip as he tried to steel himself for his undeserved punishment. He thought for a brief moment what he was going to tell Feli when he came home. His brother would probably drop everything and rush to him like a mama hen, eager to clean his wounds and dote on him despite being the younger. What a pain this would be to explain to him.

When the man behind him finally pulled his knife away, Lovino half-made to run right out of there and straight back home without a second thought for the things he'd bought, when he was suddenly grabbed by the men—he didn't know how many hands were on him in that instant—and forced to the ground before he could react.

His head smashed into the ground, making him see stars for a brief moment, before he was suddenly aware of hands grabbing at his pants, pulling them down.

Then he realized what they were going to do to him.

Lovino opened his mouth to scream as he began to buck and thrash and kick as hard as he could beneath the men. He barely let out a whimper before he was punched in the face and he felt once more the cold metal of the blade against his neck.

"Make another sound and we'll kill you right now."

One man pulled Lovino's arms out and kneeled on them, still pressing the knife into his skin. One held his legs, and the other continued to strip him of his pants.

He still tried to fight after that, squirming and writhing and bucking as hard as he could, but none of it was any use. Eventually, he ran out of strength and will and couldn't fight back any more.

He could only cry

Like a child.

After what seemed like forever of pain and pain and pain and sobbing into the ground and being unable to stop himself from being so weak, of being pinned over and over and unable to move against them, they finally stopped, only to laugh and jeer and turn him over and kick him while he was down on the ground still distraught from the ordeal.

Then they fished his wallet out of his pants, pocketed the cash inside, and left him there.

Lovino could hardly even think for all the pain he was in.

For a time he simply lay there, his muscles seemingly unable to listen to him. All he could feel was a deep throbbing pain throughout his whole body, with an exceptionally searing hurt he-didn't-want-to-think-about-where.

What must have been hours came and went and Lovino was vaguely aware of the fact that he was needed somewhere. Home. He had to get back home.

With a grunt, he forced himself up into a sitting position, propping himself up on his elbows, and nearly collapsed again from putting weight on one of his wounds.

His pants. He needed his pants.

It took great effort for Lovino to finally be able to stand on two very shaky legs. He had to lean on a nearby wall for support, not trusting his lower-limbs to do much of it. He finally managed to make his way over to where his pants and underwear had been discarded, and found that putting them on took much more effort than it had this morning. Why was it so hard to do something so simple?

He leaned against the wall for a time and fought off a fresh wave of tears.

He had to get home.

Limping out from the darkness, he could see the produce he'd bought still lying on the ground where he'd dropped it, mostly undisturbed save for a few tomatoes that were squashed.

Then he remembered Feliciano. He couldn't disappoint Feli. Slowly he began to gather up all the produce that had rolled from out of the bags and carefully placed them back in, but found even such a menial task to be absolutely exhausting.

What time was it? He couldn't disappoint Feli. But the sun had already begun to set. He was too late to make it back in time anyway. He was too late. He was too late.

Feli would be disappointed.

He gathered up all he could, no matter how dirty or disgusting it had become from the elements as he tried to ignore the excruciating pain in his backside. It was such a stupid, embarrassing place to be hurt. Lovino fought off a wave of shame that came over him. If he thought too hard about it he would collapse on himself again like a child. Like a helpless child.

He couldn't do that. He had to get home.


	3. Chapter 3

Home. Home. He had to get home.

Everything would be alright if he just made it back home.

The cool evening breeze blew past. Lovino shivered fiercely when the wind hit his skin and fought the urge to sniffle. If he gave in now the tears would come down one after another and he wouldn't be able to stop them. The pain in his arms was agonizing as he struggled to not stop or falter, lest he be completely unable to get back up again. He had to think about that pain only and not let his mind wander to the other spots where it hurt almost too bad to think. Not like his head, or his legs, or his—

No! No, focus. Home. Home. Home. He had to get home. He couldn't disappoint Feliciano. He couldn't.

The sun had already set. It was dark out and he wished it wasn't. Maybe if he squeezed his eyes shut hard enough time would slow down or turn back and he could make it home in time for Feli to not be mad at him, for Feli to make his food and Antonio to come over and annoy him and everything be just how it always was.

He could feel a tear creep its way down his cheek.

No, no. Don't stop to wipe it. Don't stop. Just keep moving forward. Remember, home. He had to get home. Maybe Feli would be mad at him, beyond mad. Maybe Antonio would be angry as well. But it could all work itself out back to normal if he just made it home.

Soon, the small house among all the other tiny homes all pressed together could be seen by the faint light of nearby windows, with its small basil and mint plants sitting serenely on the windowsill, their leaves rustling faintly with each passing breeze.

Home. Home. He was almost home. Just a little further and everything would be OK.

Dragging himself down the street the last few meters was perhaps the most difficult task he had ever had to perform in his life, at least it felt that way. He was all but grunting from the pain and his own frustration with himself for being so challenged by such a simple task.

But finally he stood at the door, his arms straining and his legs shaking and his head pounding and everything hurting. He could hear voices inside, as though two people were conversing. So Antonio was there after all. He really was late.

All he had to do now was knock on the door.

He set down one of his bags and reached the trembling free hand up. With the last bit of energy he could muster, he knocked weakly, once, twice, a third time.

Lovino heard the voices inside suddenly quiet, leaving only silence, as light footsteps rushed over and gently pulled the door open.

Feli's voice came, angry and annoyed. "Lovi! Where have you b—"

Lovino could not bring himself to look up past his brother's feet but he could tell that the expression on Feli's face must have been pure worry.

He fought against himself as hard as he could to be able to raise his eyes up, but could not bring himself to look into Feli's, instead settling his gaze on his mouth, which was turned into a worried frown. Lovino was right. His brother looked as worried as he'd ever seen him.

Lovino had to say something. He fought for a few moments to say "hello" but a huge lump in his throat only allowed for a sharp exhale. He settled for presenting the bags of produce to his brother instead, lifting them in front of himself as he finally forced out with a voice shakier than he'd intended, "Hello, F-Feli. I got wh-what…. what you…. a-asked for." No. Feli would definitely know that something was wrong. Lovino just wanted to come inside, sit at the table, and have everything be just like every other day.

He heard a gulp, and then, "Lovi… what hap-" Feliciano placed a gentle hand on Lovino's arm and he couldn't help but shudder violently at the touch. He brought his arms and his gaze back down, dropping the bags onto the front steps. He couldn't let Feli touch him. He'd disappointed him. He'd disappointed Feli.

"I'm sorry." He said simply. He inhaled sharply, trying to hold back the wave of tears that fought its way through him. "I'm really… r-really… sorry..." He leaned against the door frame as he struggled to continue standing on his shaking legs, gasping and exhaling shakily like a dying fish as he struggled so hard to not let himself cry… He refused to be like a child. He would be stronger than how he was when… when those men…

And then the tears came. First one rolled its way down his cheek. Then another. And another, and another, until soon his face was all wet with them and his upper lip drenched in snot. He really was just like a baby.

He could vaguely hear Feli's voice in front of him but could not hear what he was saying. Antonio's voice joined in, thick with fear and concern, but his words too were completely incomprehensible through the overpowering throbbing in Lovino's head. Was he sobbing now? How utterly pathetic. He should be ashamed of himself, and he was. Deeply, deeply ashamed.

He was ashamed that he allowed himself to behave like such a child. He was ashamed that he had disappointed his brother. He was ashamed that he couldn't have made this a normal day like Feli wanted. He was ashamed that he had let something so disgusting happen to him, that he couldn't fight off those men from earlier, that he had let them violate him in the worst way possible and use him like a woman. He didn't even deserve to call himself a man any more. He couldn't.

Feliciano reached out to touch him once more, on the shoulder, and this time Lovino didn't flinch away from him. As the throbbing in his head died don but the tears still continued to come down, he was able to hear some of what the two men were saying to each other.

"-not sure what happened, but he looks like he got into some kind of scrape…," said Feliciano.

"Need me to get some bandages?" asked Antonio.

"They're in the cabinet all the way on the left. I'll take him back to his room… Poor thing needs to lie down..."

Feliciano was always speaking about his older brother as if Lovino were his child and Feliciano a doting and over-concerned mother. At any other point, Lovino would have considered such attention annoying or even endearing to some extent, but now he just wished that everyone would leave him alone. He wished that he didn't come home like this.

Lovino allowed Feliciano to lead him back toward his own bedroom, Lovino leaning on Feli's shoulder for support, and tripping every few steps due to his legs' inability to hold him steady. He could not see very clearly in front of him for the way his eyes were blurred so much by his tears. Over on the other side of the room he could hear the sound of Antonio rummaging through their poorly-organized medicine cabinet.

Why? Why did things have to be like this?

When they finally managed to make it back to Lovino's bedroom, his legs were shaking even harder than they were before, and Feliciano was shushing him softly as he slowly lowered Lovino down to sit on his bed. Lovino grimaced and grunted in pain as his backside came in contact with the surface and his sore muscles were strained trying to sit down.

"Lie down, Lovi," said Feliciano, and Lovino, not wanting to disappoint him again, did his best to fight through the pain and be able to lay himself down onto his covers. He felt hot tears slide down the sides of his face and wet the pillow beneath his head.

"I will be right back, brother," Feliciano reassured as he left the room.

Outside, Lovino could hear Feliciano and Antonio's conversation.

"I haven't seen him cry so hard since he was a child… Actually, I don't think I've ever seen him bawling like this," said Antonio.

"I've never seen him like this either..." Feliciano replied, his voice wavering slightly.

A few moments passed before he added, "I'm really sorry, Antonio..."

"For what?" came the reply.

"For… today… I didn't know things would be like this."

"There's no need to apologize," Antonio reassured. "I'm glad I could be here to help. You two are like sons to me after all."

A few more moments of rummaging around in the cabinets and Lovino watched as Antonio and Feliciano entered the room. Lovino's crying had died down into the occasional hiccup along with a streaming tear here and there.

"Oh, Lovi..." cooed Feliciano as he leaned down beside him and began to wipe the tears from his cheeks with a handkerchief.

Antonio reached his hand over and placed it onto Lovino's head, ruffling his hair slightly. Lovino flinched but Antonio did not remove his hand. Kneeling down by the bed, the man consoled, "It's alright, Lovi. Whatever happened, it's done now."

As Feliciano began to apply antiseptic and adhesive bandages with the gentlest of touches onto the more obvious cuts and scrapes along Lovino's face and arms, Lovino wished that he could find some kind of comfort in Antonio's words.

Before long, even the hiccups died down into the occasional wet sniffle. Antonio left the room to bring in the produce left outside, and Feliciano sat by Lovino on the bed, looking down at him with an expression fully of concern.

"Lovi… what happened?" he finally asked.

Lovino said nothing, only sniffled.

A long moment passed before Feliciano tried again. "OK, well… where were you?"

Lovino opened his mouth and began to speak but, finding his words came out cracked and incomprehensible, coughed several times before trying again.

"At the market," he said simply.

"And then..?" Feliciano urged.

"And then I came home." Lovino looked down at the blanket beside him, instead of up at Feliciano now.

Feliciano seemed less than satisfied with this response. "Something happened on the way back home?"

Lovino wanted to answer, but the lump in his throat had once again made itself present. How he hated that lump.

"… Lovi?"

"Some guys, they… they..."

 _They raped me._

He couldn't say it.

"They mugged me."


	4. Chapter 4

Feliciano stared at Lovino in silence, seemingly unconvinced. _"What a terrible lie,"_ thought Lovino, though he knew it wasn't completely a lie. They had beaten him and taken his money after they... after... A sharp inhale blocked by snot was all he could do to keep from crying all over again. He brought his gaze up again, still avoiding looking directly into Feli's eyes, and could see the concern in his brother's face. In his own mind, Lovino was going over all the possible questions that it still left open, that Feli was probably wondering himself.

 _"Why did they have to hurt you? You could have just told them where your wallet was."_

 _"They mugged you for so long that you could only make it back home after the sun had gone down?"_

And perhaps most pertinent, _"If you were only mugged, why are you crying like this?"_

But Feliciano chose not to probe any further. He certainly knew how stubborn Lovino could be and would just have to wait if he wanted all of the answers from him. Instead, he simply suggested, "We can go to the police tomorrow so you can report it, OK?" Lovino said nothing, only kept staring straight ahead. Some part of him wished that Feli would have pushed him more on what had happened. He wasn't sure if it was something he /should/ say, he only knew that it was something he /couldn't/ say.

"We can talk more about it after you've had your sleep." Lovino brought his eyes up and could see Feli smiling that sweet, comforting smile, like he always did when he wanted others to feel better. "And, don't worry about the dinner, since I know the day you had was rough... I can cook up something really good tomorrow, just for you, Lovi." He placed a hand on Lovino's scalp, clearly intending to stroke his fingers through the messy brown hair, but Lovino flinched and shuddered at the touch. Feliciano immediately withdrew his hand.

"Lovi... would you rather be alone..?" asked Feliciano, concern practically dripping from his words like raindrops.

Lovino blinked slowly, more of a way to try and quell the tears that kept threatening to spill over again, before saying quietly, "I-I want An... Antonio..." A strange request, to be sure, but Antonio was the closest thing to a mamma that Lovino had, and Lovino really wanted his mamma right now. Feliciano gave a quick, "OK" and scurried out of the room, his soft footfalls getting just a bit quieter as he went into the other room. Lovino could hear whispering but couldn't really make out what was being said. He didn't like that very much, people talking about him and him not even knowing what they were saying.

In a few seconds, more footsteps, this time approaching his room instead of leaving. "Knock knock," said Antonio playfully as he leaned on the doorframe. There must have been a smile on his face, a comforting smile just like Feli's, but Lovino couldn't bring himself to look up at it. Lovi only grunted in response.

Antonio made his way over to the bed and slowly sat down right beside Lovino, so as not to disturb him too much. Lovino still flinched, because he couldn't help it, before realizing that he shouldn't have done that and willing himself to calm down again. Again? Was he really ever calm in the first place? Well, he would have to at least look like he was, although he knew it would do quite a poor job of ever convincing Antonio or even Feli that everything was alright.

Lovino decided that he couldn't stand the feeling of having such sympathetic eyes on him, so he decided to break the silence with, "I... I'm sorry, Antonio."

The look on Antonio's face must have been pure confusion, "Hm..? What for?"

"For making you stay so late. Y-... You're going to be very tired once... once you get home."

"Oh... Well, don't worry about it. I've decided that I'll be sleeping here."

It took all that Lovino had to keep from audibly sighing with relief. What was wrong with him? At any other point, had Antonio said that, Lovino would have been angry to hear it, would have demanded that Antonio get the hell out of his house right that instant, but now... those words were more comforting to him than anything else in the world. He was happy to hear them. Well, as happy as he could be given the circumstances.

"You wouldn't mind if we shared your room, would you?"

Any other day, Lovino would have yelled at him, would have told him, "Vaffanculo, find your own room, sleep on the couch or outside like a dog, just stay out of mine, finocchio." But today, Lovino only nodded his head 'yes' and looked away.

The next few minutes were spent with Antonio removing Lovino's boots, but when he went to remove Lovi's clothes, he was met with violent shuddering, and Lovino had slapped his hands away with more force than was likely necessary. Antonio paused but left it at that, instead removing his own clothes and just leaving Lovi be.

When Antonio was left in just his undershirt and underwear, he gave a hand and helped Lovi up from the bed. Lovino grunted with pain but otherwise did what was requested of him. His legs were still a bit wobbly from laying down and letting his emotions get the better of him, and it felt strange to try and stand up on his own again, though it was far easier than when he tried it earlier today after... after what had happened. Antonio made sure that Lovi was standing as steadily as he could (all the while saying, "It's OK, Lovi, take your time, no need to rush") before he went to go pull the covers back, so they could both crawl under them and go to sleep. But as Antonio walked around and now faced Lovino and the blanket from a different angle, he suddenly froze. Lovi could hear a sharp intake of breath, followed by complete silence, not even the rustling of the covers, or the sound of soft footfalls, or even the sound of breathing.

After a moment, Antonio snatched one of the dry towels hanging off the hook on Lovino's door. He swiftly pulled the blanket downward, revealing the sheets underneath, and some rustling could be heard. Lovino turned his head slightly to get a peek at what he was doing. Antonio was laying the towel along the width of the bed, right down the middle. How curious. Lovi's heart began to beat a bit faster as he wondered what Antonio was doing that for. That towel was quite soft but it certainly wasn't any nicer to sleep on than the sheets themselves.

Antonio finished smoothing out the towel and then walked back around to Lovino, holding out his hand. Lovi took it, and was guided back into the bed, this time on the sheets instead of the covers, or rather, on the towel that was on the sheets. He tried his best not to wince or grunt with pain as the most injured part of him came into contact with the surface. Antonio watched him carefully as he sat down and lied back so that his head was resting on the pillow, Lovi doing a horrible job of hiding just how much pain he was in. Once Antonio was convinced that Lovi was laying comfortably, he walked over to the other side of the bed, and laid himself down onto the mattress.

 _"He's being very quiet...,"_ thought Lovino, and wondered what it was that he had seen which made him so silent, what it was that made him inhale so sharply when he saw it. As Antonio pulled the blanket back up, Lovino knew immediately what it was that he had seen. There was a dark splotch of blood on the covers, right where Lovino had been laying. He then realized what the towel was for, to keep him from bleeding onto and staining the mattress. He suddenly felt more ashamed and horribly embarrassed, and, despite his trying to keep as quiet as possible, a few sniffles still managed to work their way out.

Antonio turned to face Lovino, still maintaining some distance between them. "Lovi..." he began. Lovino couldn't bring himself to look Antonio in the face. "Remember when you were little," (that seemed so very far away now, Lovi almost wished he could go back to those innocent and playful times again) "and you would tell me those small white lies?" Lovino said nothing, only tried to keep himself from sniffling and sniveling again. "Remember how you wouldn't tell me things, or you would tell me things that weren't true, and things always turned out worse than if you just said what had really happened?" Lovino still said nothing. "Like when you would eat the crust off the bread from the bakery on the way home and just leave it in the cabinet, or when you got in a fight with another boy and said you just tripped and fell..." Silence.

"Lovi..." Antonio continued, "Feli told me what you said happened today... that you just had your money stolen on the way back home... Was that another lie?"

Lovino said nothing, but the tears started coming down his cheeks again, though he kept himself from letting out any sobs, only focusing on making sure his breathing was as steady as he could possibly make it. He didn't want to admit it, but he didn't want to lie to Antonio either. He didn't say anything at all, instead just making sure he breathed normally enough that he wouldn't start making any strange noises again.

"You know you can tell me anything, right, Lovi? I won't be mad at you. I promise." His voice sounded a bit shaky, like he, too, was on the brink of tears.

Lovino still said nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, Lovino awoke feeling not very rested at all. In the haziness of being half awake and half asleep, he tried to remember what he could of his dream.

It certainly was a disturbing story he had dreamt up, that he had been on his way home, and a man stopped him and guided him into the alleyway with a knife, where more of his friends were waiting so they could force Lovino to the ground and…

What was wrong with him that he was dreaming these sorts of things? Clearly, he had become disturbed in some way, though how, he could not remember.

He suddenly noticed something a bit heavy on his chest and realized it wasn't the big blanket that he was curled under. It felt more like someone's arm on him… An arm? Why was someone's arm on him? Lovino could feel his heart begin to race as he pushed the unknown appendage off of him with as much force as he could muster in his disoriented state and scrambled to get away from whomever that limb was attached to. Unfortunately, this meant crashing to the hard floor beneath him, and bringing the blanket down with him.

Within seconds, the figure that had been sleeping beside him sprang up and practically ran to his side. "Lovi? Are you OK? What happened?", Lovino heard through the ringing in his ears. Ah. It was Antonio. It was only Antonio. Slowly it began to seep into him that he expected Antonio near him, and it was good that he was there. Why was it good that he was there? Well, of course, because Lovino had wanted him to be there. Why had Lovino wanted him to be there? It was because Lovino was frightened of being alone.

Why was he frightened? …

" _Oh..."_ , thought Lovino hazily as he lay in a messy heap of blankets and a… a towel? on the floor. _"It wasn't a dream..."_ As the memories of the drea- no, of the previous day's events flooded back into him, it seemed to him too much to bear at once, and he soon felt the hot burn of tears flowing down his abused cheeks once more. How disgusting of him, to be a man and to let that happen to him. How disgusting of him to dare cry, let alone this much, over something so humiliating.

Lovino pressed a hand to his forehead, hoping that if he could apply enough pressure, he could distract himself from his own thoughts.

"Lovi..." Lovino could barely hear Antonio's motherly cooing, nor could he hear him kneel down. Antonio reached a hand toward the mass of trembling blankets and rested it gently on the soft cloth. "Lovi… Lovi…" he repeated gently, hoping it would get through to him. "It's OK, Lovi… I'll help you up."

Lovino didn't want to remove the blanket covering his face, lest Antonio see him crying once again. One time was enough. He was not so weak that he would give Antonio the satisfaction of seeing him as a completely broken heap of nerves.

Antonio slowly moved to remove the blanket covering Lovino, but when he moved the cloth that had been covering his face… Lovino didn't move to stop him. Instead, he fought to even his breathing and think of other things, to staunch the flow of tears. Antonio offered his hand and Lovino took it shakily as he was helped onto his feet. Standing was a little easier now. He supposed since he was still a bit tired, he wasn't so shaky as he had been before.

Antonio ran a hand through Lovino's hair after he was finally able to stand.

"Come on, Lovi. Let's go get some breakfast." Antonio patted him a couple times on the head before leading Lovino with him into the kitchen. Feliciano had prepared some espresso which had just finished heating, and had also retrieved a big pile of leftover biscotti from a couple nights before. He always did make way too much for just the two of them. With a smile, Feliciano poured the coffee out into three separate small mugs, placing each one gentle onto a coaster, so they wouldn't stain the wooden table, of course.

"I hope you slept well," said Feliciano. The statement was directed at both of them, but Lovino found it more painful than Antonio. Lovino only grunted in response, drinking down his coffee, as Antonio nodded enthusiastically.

Feliciano looked up for a moment, pondering something. Lovino eyed him curiously. "Oh, excuse me, I have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Antonio watched as Feliciano walked away, and focused his attention onto Lovino, who sat, munching away at one of the cookies left out for them. Lovino loved Feliciano's chocolate biscotti, though the eyes upon him did take away from how much he enjoyed them in that moment, as well as thoughts of other things.

Suddenly, Antonio spoke up, "We should take you to the doctor today, Lovi."

"What for?" Lovino answered, thinking it was just Antonio playing the part of a mother hen once more. "Feli already bandaged me up last night. I feel great." He forced a small smile even though his eyes had no light in them.

Antonio let out a sigh, not so much of disappointment or frustration with Lovino, but more his own uncertainty of how to continue, of how to make it through to a man he considered to be his own flesh and blood just how serious the situation he had been in was. "You know that's not what I meant," he stated plainly. He looked directly into Lovino's eyes, hoping that he could see just how much concern Antonio had for him. Antonio wanted him to understand that there was no hatred or disgust anywhere in his gaze, only compassion.

Lovino only grunted in response as he took another bite of his breakfast.

"Lovi… I know what happened to you."

Suddenly, Lovino's face went beet red as he struggled to swallow what was in his mouth. He felt as though he would choke, his mouth was suddenly so dry. "Yes, I-… I told you what happened," he said. He struggled to keep his voice from shaking.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Lovi." Antonio placed a hand on Lovino's and for the first time, Lovino finally met his gaze. Antonio's eyes were wet with unshed tears, and Lovino was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that they were his own fault, that he had caused Antonio to be upset.

And still Lovino thought to duck and dodge around Antonio's stabbing words. "I-I'm not. I j-just didn't like that… that I had m-… my money stolen."

Once again, Antonio let out a long sigh. He looked about to make sure that Feliciano was not in earshot, then said quietly, but not in a whisper, "You know I can't drop this no matter how much you want me to. I know that you were raped, Lovi." he sounded sympathetic, caring, but to Lovino it sounded as though he had yelled those words so loudly that the walls shook.

Lovino felt his whole face start to burn, and the back of his neck, his hands. He felt fuzzy and strange, like nothing he was hearing was real.

"Y-… you're wrong," he spat out quickly, as he wasn't sure his tongue would let him say any more than that.

"No, I'm not," came the curt reply. "I'm not stupid, Lovi, and neither are you."

Lovino screwed his eyes shut and tried to keep from screaming and stomping his feet like a toddler. Maybe if he shut his eyes hard enough, when he opened them, Antonio would be gone, and none of the events of yesterday would have happened at all.

"You're wrong!" Lovino said much louder than he had intended to. He did not open his eyes.

"If I'm wrong, then tell me… tell me what happened. Please," Antonio nearly begged.

"Nothing!" yelled Lovino, slamming a fist against the table. He didn't care how much noise he made now. Maybe if he made enough of a scene then Antonio would just leave it alone and never bother him about it again.

"Ah! Are you two fighting again?!" came Feliciano's concerned voice as his footsteps pattered down the hall. "Please, I thought you were getting along so well..." He quickly sat down in the empty seat at the small table, hoping to be the mediator for whatever conflict Antonio and Lovino were having.

Lovino's eyes were open now. "It was nothing," he said, deliberately avoiding Antonio's stare. He didn't want to look at him.

"Yes..." Antonio said, slowly, "We were going to go to the doctor in a bit because Lovi thinks he has another injury that needs to be looked at."

Lovino clenched his fists under the table so hard that his knuckles began to turn white. Bastard.

"Is that true, Lovi?" wondered Feliciano. "You're still in pain? I didn't realize they were so rough with you." He sounded sad that he couldn't take the pain away.

Lovino didn't answer. His face went pale and he felt like he was going to vomit.


End file.
